Sometimes, I read articles and think, “Oh, so close!” Normally, these are blog posts that make really really really good points, but gloss over important nuances or forget something major. In order to ease myself back in blogging (yes, I know it’s been a while -- I’ve been distracted), I am going to share two of these in a two part series that covers an easy target: dating.
The first is written by a friend, Daniel Paris, who works for FOCUS, a college evangelization program, and is about dating in a more general sense.
The second by Debra Fileta is at Relevant magazine, an online Christian magazine, and is about guarding your heart.
They both properly identify some of the major problems and solutions that Catholic/Christian young adults face in the very confused world of dating, Daniel with some fun illustrations.
Daniel goes through the process of learning to dance and parallels dancing to dating. Some of his best points include: the need for strong relationships with your own gender, the interplay of male initiative and female availability, and the difficulty in achieving a balance between aggression and passivity. If you read his article, you are probably saying, “Why, Beth, thank you for summarizing his main points.”
However, once I start going through these points, I have an irresistible urge to step in and add nuance. (Hence, a blog post.) Most of my nitpickiness has to do with how Daniel is addressing women -- which may be because I am more sensitive to female dating advice, or it could be because he is better at giving male dating advice. After all, I have the lived experience of being a female and he of being a male.
My first added nuance started as a quibble with Daniel’s analogy. He claims that in swing dancing, you can only learn so much from the opposite gender. True statement, but I have found that women could only teach me so much about dancing. I have a tendency to watch the lady part, mimic the instructor, and flub it up as soon as I stop looking at her. The experience of dancing with a partner taught me how to put the move into practice for real. I learn how it feels to execute a dance move properly by how it feels to interact with my partner’s body, not by how the move looks.
What about for dating? I absolutely agree with Daniel that some things men learn best from other men and some things women learn best from other women. A close female friend taught me about being in touch with emotions more than any guy I’ve dated. A holy female roommate taught me how to place demands on others without being demanding. (“I may not be high maintenance, but I am not no maintenance!”) Yet the men in my life have taught me the many parts of being a woman by simply practicing authentic masculinity around me. Most of the feminine grace I have, I have acquired because the men in my life are masculine in a way that calls upon the feminine in me. This is why it’s okay and can even be a good thing to go on casual dates with a bunch of different people. Our femininity and masculinity naturally instruct each other.
The second nuance I want to add is just more detail. I love when Daniel advises women to “stand by the water.” But let’s be honest -- much of the time guys need more encouragement than physical proximity. I have my own ideas, but I would love to hear from a man: what is it that women can to do encourage men without explicitly initiating?
This dovetails with my third quibble, which is the lovely “Bland -- Bossy -- Belle” diagram. Great alliteration and in theory a great concept, but it risks being useless as it is written. Most women know that if we put nothing in, the relationship will falter. We also know that society looks down on our being too aggressive in pursuit of a relationship. So how do we achieve the happy medium? The key that Daniel doesn’t parse out is hidden in his diagrams. For a healthy relationship, both partners need to approach with a commitment to mutuality and reciprocity.
Both partners need to understand their responsibilities. For men, in the “Manly” picture, this means initiating various stages of a relationship. For women, in the “Belle” picture, this means being able to communicate with your partner about your expectations and abilities. Just because I don’t initiate the dip we just learned doesn’t mean I can’t suggest to the Captain that we give it a whirl.
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