So this article (this link is to the original, not the more popularly viewed version) crossed my radar a few weeks ago and I decided to let it go, because, well, you just have to let some go. And then it was “re-printed” (link to the one that is more viewed), and now I have an excuse not to let it go.
The author, Emma, writes about two coworkers discussing divorce springing from infidelity.
Both women have had marriages end when their husbands cheated on them; they blame it on bad luck. Emma, engaged to strong Catholic like herself, asserts that she will have no bad luck -- as Catholics, they know that they will not cheat on each other, but rather live out the sacrament faithfully. She titles the piece “Marriage is Work” (or someone does in the second go-round) and explains that she and her fiance each put in much individual work developing their personal and spiritual lives to prepare for marriage, which is more than just luck.
I do think it is important that we realize what marriage is -- that it is work and it is a Sacrament and divorce is not an option. Emma’s emphasis on these points is extremely valuable. She rightly states that marriage is a vocation and with this vocations (calling) comes the grace to love one’s spouse with a divine love rather than a human love.
However in this explanation, Emma contends that she and her fiance will never have to worry about cheating, because of the nature of the sacrament. She also mentions baptism -- through the graces received in baptism and developed by a life lived in God, she and her fiance are blessed in finding each other and in their future marriage.
I kept reading and looking for more, hoping that this point was not the crux of her argument. “We can know 100% that we will never cheat on each other because Jesus won’t let us sin!”
But if sacramental grace was a fail-safe against sin, even just specifically sin that tears apart a Sacrament, the Church would not be hurting from priests sexually abusing boys. We wouldn’t have Godly women whose Godly husbands left them for other women. We wouldn’t have nearly as many couples contracepting.
Marriage takes work -- Emma has that right. Yet she seems to place the brunt of that work before a couple meets. She claims that her soul recognized her now-fiance right away. I’m not even sure what this means, but I can tell you that either this doesn’t happen for all Godly women, or if it does, it does not happen in a meaningful way. Some of the most faithful women I know had to be slowly cajoled into accepting even one date with the men who ended up being their husbands. A prayerful life doesn’t create magic sparks the moment we meet our future spouse -- it simply prepares us to continue that prayerful (and sacrificial) life with our future spouse.
By focusing on the prep work, Emma misses the critical element that it takes work after a couple meets. It takes work while developing a relationship and an engagement that are holy. It takes work after the vows, because all that prep work helps but doesn’t guarantee anything. (Side note: I have a really hard time spelling guarantee, and it really freaked me out to put it in the title.) I just recently entered into marriage with a strong Catholic man and I trust that he will not cheat on me. I trust that I will not cheat on him. If I didn’t trust this, I would not have married him. But I know that it will take more than sacramental grace to make this happen.
God did not give me the strength to marry the Captain because I am sure that neither of us will ever cheat. He gave me the strength to marry him knowing that there are no guarantees. I’ve done things, both good and bad, that I swore I would never do. I got married trusting that no matter what comes to pass between the Captain and myself, by the grace of God, it will all work out. If I am weak and sinful, I can always turn back to God. If the Captain hurts me in someway, God can give me graces to forgive him -- because heaven knows, I am no good at forgiveness on my own! I discerned carefully and believe that the Captain is someone who will stick with me long-term -- and it is the grace of God that brings my cynical self to this point of trust in another human being.
We entered into a marriage intentionally acknowledging that divorce is not an option. Still, I know that in dealing with another human being, an element of the unknown always comes into play. I cannot know what he will be five, ten, thirty years from now. Yet I am choosing to trust the Captain -- and this itself is grace, grace to overcome fear and jadedness in a world full of broken trust. Only what I know of God makes my trust possible -- in part because of how He guards my heart.
In part however, this trust comes because I know that even if I am wrong in my assessment of my husband, this life is about making it to heaven, not making a marriage work.
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